Dear friend,

A lonely letter of apology from the depths of motherhood

Dear friend,
I’m sorry we haven’t seen each other in a while,

Honestly I really don’t see anyone anymore.
The only people I see are those that are on the same loop as me. The loop of school drop off and pick up, morning community garden plays, bus stop hangs, afternoons at the park, swimming lessons, and weekends at the beach.

I’d love to see you, I just don’t know when, or how.
In all honesty I struggle to give myself the time I need. I know I need to take care of myself more, move my body more, meditate more, cook more so I can eat healthier more, journal more, create more. But how can I when so many small humans want my attention?
The guilt of not giving them enough time eats away at me too. None of them ever receive my one on one presence, my undivided attention. My attention is always divided.

Dear friend,
I’m sorry we haven’t spoken in forever,

The kids make it near impossible to have any sort of conversation.
I can’t even finish a sentence without being interrupted for a glass of water, a bum wipe, a request to play with so and so, another snack, a complaint about being hot, another glass of water because the other one spilt, another fucken snack.
Honestly my husband and I barely talk anymore. Our conversations have been reduced down to logistics and when we can have sex.
It know it sounds sad, it’s just the phase we are in. Only a few more years till we are out of the depths. We’ll be able to talk then?! In say 3 years?! Will you want to still talk to me then?

Dear friend,
I’m sorry I missed your call,

In truth I saw you calling, but I silenced it.
The kids were having an argument. The older one was chasing the middle one threatening to whack him over the head with a wooden truck. Both were screaming. My baby was also about to burn himself trying to climb the oven to stir the curry I was making.

Dinner time is never really a good time to call babe. Between the hours of 5pm and bedtime is chaos. But I can’t really tell you when a good time to call is either. Maybe just keep trying me and if I can pick up I will. Will you be okay with that? Will you be okay with continually trying but continually being ignored? I’ll really do my best to pick up your call next time though, but just warning you I may need to go at the drop of the hat if one of the kids needs be. But even a 3 minute interrupted phone call is better than nothing right?

Dear friend,
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text,

Honestly it’s a miracle that I even put dinner on the table today.
I took the kids out in the morning, came home for lunch and nap time. I made everyone lunch, but the baby started falling asleep at the table so I had to swiftly scoop him up and put him to sleep. While he slept I quickly ate, cleaned up everyones lunch mess, unstacked and then stacked the dishwasher, hung out the washing I forgot to hang in the morning, then tried to sit down to have a cuppa and respond to everyone’s texts.
But as I put the kettle on the baby woke up.
He woke up cranky so it took me a while to settle him. Then the other kids started fighting so I made them all more food, cleaned up the kitchen again, then took them for a bike ride to the park. The small bike ride took longer than expected so it meant everyone was hungry by the time we got home. I simultaneously made snacks while making dinner.
Then ate dinner, threw the kids in the bath, picked in the washing while the kids were in the bath, got the kids out and dressed, cleaned up dinner mess, read them a book, then fell asleep with them on their floor because they still can’t go to sleep without me.

I put dinner on the table, but I didn’t get to wash my hair today. That will have to wait another day. I’ve been saying that for days now. 

Dear friend,
I’m sorry I read your DM but never hit reply,

Truth is, I’m working my ass off trying to earn some money so we can pull ourselves out of the financial hole we’ve found ourselves in.
But with the kids I don’t actually have much time to work. Work hours are found in the small moments of when the kids are playing nicely or don’t need me for anything. And when I do get those moments, I have laser like focus. I jump online, attend to work things and anything non work related gets put to the ‘get back to later’ pile.
That pile is growing larger and larger by the day.
Sometimes it eats away at me, a reminder of all the balls I’m dropping.
Then sometimes it just completely disintegrates. I guess my brain which is in survival mode just makes the things that aren’t purely related to mine and my families survival completely vanish, like they don’t matter or exist.

You do matter to me babe, you’re just not deemed essential for my survival right now. As harsh as it sounds, that’s unfortunately my reality.

Dear friend,
I’m sorry I’ve disappeared from your life,

In truth I feel like I’ve disappeared from myself.
I don’t know who I am anymore beyond tantrum dissolver, argument mediator, snack bitch, household logistical manager, financial manager, cleaner or taxi driver.
I don’t know who I am any more.
Or at least I don’t like who I have become.
I mean I like some parts. Some parts are tantalisingly beautiful, but they form part of the whole that has mostly gobbled me up. I guess it’s all part of it right? Gotta take the good with the bad?

I’m trying to find the new me. The one that is both the woman I once was and the woman I’ve always dreamt of becoming.
Finding that balance or concoction rather, is harder than I thought.

I’ve disappeared from myself and now I’ve disappeared from the people who do know me and can remind me of who I am.
Will you help me?

Dear friend, please pick up the phone.
I know it’s been forever,
but I need you now more than ever.